Buddhist Approach to Handling Grief and Loss

Awakening to Reality

When I was 21 years old, my younger brother had a terrible motorcycle accident. To say the least, he didn't make it. However, the after math of that accident left us all in great shock as well as sadness for many years to come. Now, sadness or grief is to be expected. But shock—why shock? Well, you could say, I was in shock because I thought the death of a family member only happened in the movies. At the age of 21, it had never occurred to me that bad things, like my brother passing away, could actually happen.

As I look back on this today, I can see that I was living in a fantasy world constructed by society. In a very real sense, society shields us from these existential truths. As a result, we find ourselves only seeing half of the picture. We often ponder questions like, "What do I want to be when I grow up?" or "Will I ever fall in love?" But, we rarely consider the possibility of death or the loss of a loved one. With this in mind, these harsh truths form the basis of true growth; without them, we can never truly mature.

Grief, on the other hand, is a challenging part of life. Everyone faces it at some point. However, in Buddhism, there are teachings that can help us to cope with it. These teachings focus on concepts like impermanence and non-attachment. They aim to bring peace and understanding into our lives. In this blog, we explore how Buddhist teachings can help us to cope with grief. We will delve into understanding impermanence as well as practicing non-attachment. Also, we look at practical ways to apply these concepts in daily life.

Understanding Impermanence

As a child, I loved playing Mario Brothers. It was a wonderful escape from the stresses of my life, into a world filled with adventure. You could fight monsters, die, respawn and keep on going until you finished the game. Then, you could do it all over again. Yet, as fun as it was, in some ways it made me believe that life functions very much the same - we can respawn if we die. This game and many others like it, as well as cartoons and movies, had a strong hold on how I perceived life. But this isn't the case with life, is it? We can't simply respawn when we die. This brings me to the Buddhist concept of impermanence.

Impermanence is a core concept in Buddhism. It means that nothing lasts forever. Everything changes. This includes our lives, our experiences, and even our emotions. Yet, upon recognizing this to be true, we can begin to cope with grief. When we understand that loss is a natural part of life, we start to accept it. Thus, this acceptance allows us to begin the healing process. And grief, well, it no longer dictates our state of happiness.

Furthermore, Buddha taught that life is like that of a flowing river. It is always moving and changing. But, one day, like the lives of our loved ones, this river will also dry up and be no more. So, when we see life in this way, we can handle loss better. Also, we know that just as good times do not last, bad times will pass too.

Embracing Non-Attachment

Grief is a result of attachment and a lack of understanding the impermanent nature of life. They go hand-in-hand. That said, we grieve because we are attached to those we've lost. We miss them dearly and deeply desire for their return. Yet, we feel this way because we don't understand or accept that this is the way things are. 

Non-attachment is another important teaching in Buddhism. Yet, contrary to popular belief, it does not mean that we do not care. Instead, it means that we do not cling to things or people too tightly. It teaches us to love without conditions. Thereby, when it's time to let go, we can do so without the associated pain of loss. Of course, we will be saddened by their passing, but this sadness will not enslave us.

The Importance of Self-Awareness

When it comes to our lives, we often forget that we don't only live within a world. But, a world lives within us as well. With that said, beginning from a young age, we are drawn to the world around us. For example, a two-year-old might cry when they can't play with a toy. Yet, this isn't because they care more about what they see than what they feel inside. It's because, they don't know how to navigate what they feel inside. So, their inner world is often left unattended to.

As we grow older, we become more and more exposed to worldly things. As such, we focus less and less on understanding our feelings. By the time we are thirty, we may start to grasp the importance of understanding what we feel. But by then, we have already weathered a great many pains. This brings me to the importance of cultivating self-awareness. It helps us to deal with a wide range of painful emotions, such as grief.

In Buddhism, self-awareness is a crucial part of healing. In fact, this is particularly true when it comes to dealing with grief. It shows us how to acknowledge as well as accept our pain. We learn to face our feelings of loss, yet without hiding them from ourselves. In turn, this helps us to understand our inner world a lot better. So, when we are faced with feelings like grief, we may handle them more effectively. Also, accepting these feelings prevents them from overwhelming us or disrupting our lives.

Compassion and Loving-Kindness

Often times, when we are confronted with grief, our egos get the best of us. In light of this, we forget that true strength lies in compassion. So, instead of letting compassion in, we react defensively or even aggressively. Of course, we behave this way because we want to protect our vulnerabilities. But, does this behavior address the root cause of our pain? No, it doesn't. And although it may feel good while we are lashing out, we are only making matters worse. We hurt ourselves and we hurt others as well.

Compassion is a virtue in Buddhism. It not only teaches us to have compassion for others. But, it also teaches us to have compassion for ourselves. These principles encourage us to approach both ourselves and others with empathy. Yet, because grieving is such a very painful emotion, it's difficult to cope with. As a result, we become helplessly ensnared in these feelings. We neglect the pain of others and even judge ourselves for feeling this way. But, if we were to apply these principals, we could learn to accept our feelings without judgment. And in doing so, we could extend our support to others in need.

The Role of Meditation

Meditation has long been a way for many people to enhance their health. However, in ancient times, it served other purposes as well. People not only used it to improve their health. They also used it to conquer the adverse effects of attachment. Also, like the Buddha, some people practiced it as a way to attain enlightenment.

Meditation enables us to sit with our feelings, yet without judging them or ourselves. As we do so, we can observe and reflect on our emotions about loss. We watch them arise and fade away. This practice shows us that our feelings are impermanent as well.

On an even deeper level, it teaches us that, though these things come and go, we are always there as the silent witness. In fact, this realization is but the very beginning of enlightenment. What we truly are does not come and go. It is not bound by any thing, thought, emotion or even time itself. It is that which is ever-present and ever-aware. 

Finding Community Support

Whether in the field of technology or medicine and so on, no milestones are ever achieved by a single person. This principle holds just as true in our personal lives. Take for instance, overcoming grief. This is by far a journey that one cannot walk alone. Scientists and innovators rely on the expertise, encouragement, and support of their peers. The same goes for people who are grieving. They too rely on the support of others.

Pursuing this further, there are many forms of support for those who are grieving. For example, we can share memories with family members. Or, we can even seek professional help. In fact, community support groups have proven to be very effective. They allow us to express our feelings as well as share our burdens. This can be very helpful because it shows us that we are not alone. There are others like us, who are struggling with grief as well.

Buddhist communities also play a vital role. They offer support groups as well as resources like meditation and mindfulness training. Additionally, a Buddhist shop can provide essential items for these practices. Meditation cushions, statues, malas and even jewelry are just a few among these items. These tools help people to engage more deeply with the practices.

It goes without saying that compassion does not only serve as a virtue in Buddhism. It also serves as a means to reduce the suffering in the world. So, through various means, Buddhist strives to make a real difference. One way they do this, is through offering support groups. These groups are for everyone, regardless of their beliefs.

Here are some of the programs and resources that these groups offer:

1. Meditation sessions are typically open to all people. As such, they can be a valuable tool in managing the emotional distress of grief.
2. Mindfulness training can help people to stay present. In turn, coping with intense emotions like grief becomes a lot easier.
3. Dharma talks and spiritual guidance have universal relevance. In other words, they discuss topics such as dealing with suffering. Also, they focus on understanding impermanence and cultivating compassion.
4. Community Support Groups are primarily for those who are experiencing loss. Likewise, they often focus on sharing experiences and garner mutual support.
5. Retreats offer a break away from daily distractions and responsibilities. That said, they focus on meditation, reflection, and spiritual practice.
6. Workshops might specifically focus on dealing with grief. Moreover, they offer both Buddhist and secular perspectives on coping with grief.

Learning from Stories and Teachings

As our lives develop in complexity, so to does someone else's. Baring this in mind, we can learn a lot from those who have already walked in our shoes. They have already experienced the challenges that we are facing now. So, the paths they've taken can provide us with guidance. Also, this shared knowledge can helps us to understand that we are not alone in our struggles. There are others who have faced and overcome similar obstacles. Hence, if we can tap into this collective wisdom, we can find solace as well as strategies to manage our grief.

What's more, many Buddhist teachings feature examples of people overcoming loss. In fact, one of the most touching Buddhist stories is the tale of Kisa Gotami. This story is often shared to show that suffering is common. We can come to understand it as well as accept it.

The Story of Kisa Gotami

As the story goes, Kisa Gotami was a young woman from a modest family. Life had always been hard for her, until she married into a wealthier family and had her first child, a son. He brought her great joy. However, sadly, he died unexpectedly when he was still very young.

Crushed by grief, Kisa Gotami carried her dead son around the village. She was looking for someone to bring him back to life. The villagers felt sorry for her, but they also thought she was mad. This is because; no one could do what she asked. Finally, someone told her to go see the Buddha.

Kisa Gotami asked the Buddha to revive her son. Instead, he gave her a task. He asked her to get a mustard seed from a home that had not seen death. With hope, she went from house to house looking for this seed. Everyone was willing to give her a mustard seed. But, she could not find a home where no one had died.

She returned to the Buddha without a mustard seed. Yet, it was in this very moment that she understood the lesson that he wanted her to learn. 

“Death is as common as is birth”

She understood that it is inevitable and that everyone is affected by it. This helped her accept the death of her son and start to heal.

In this story, the Buddha's teaching is not only for Kisa Gotami. It is for all of us as well. Although, grief may indeed be deeply personal, it also connects us. Therefore, accepting death as a part of life helps us to deal with this sadness. The story of Kisa Gotami reminds us to be compassionate and support each other through times.

Conclusion: Embracing Growth through Grief

All in all, as we navigate the complexities of grief, we come to a profound understanding. Grief is not a journey that we must walk alone. It is a journey that we can face together. In fact, it connects us as well as reminds us of our shared humanity.

Buddhist teachings provide insights that can not only help us to understand loss. They can also help us to understand ourselves. Moreover, Buddhist communities offer programs and resources to help us cope with grief. These programs and resources can be but powerful tools that turn the tides of our grief, in our favor.

Indeed, Buddhist stories can change how we view grief. Instead of seeing it as pain, we can see it as a chance to grow. Like, in the story of Kisa Gotami. It shows us that we are not alone in this struggle. There are others who are facing it as well. As such, this can bring us great comfort, yet not because other people are suffering. It brings us comfort, because we don't have to suffer alone.

Through mindfulness and compassion, we honor those we have lost. We do so, because we learn to keep their memories alive in our hearts. In accepting our feelings, we find strength. This acceptance helps us heal and move forward.